Making it through

The house is quieter, and I've been dealing with doggie depression and grief over losing their matriarch.

I realised yesterday, that when each of the others had moved into our family, Angel was already here. They had never lived in this house without her presence. She had always been our "accepter". She had taken in all the waifs and strays we had brought, puppies and kittens. She'd helped clean foster kittens when we'd been the "go-to" home for the ones needing 2 hour feedings, her tongue big enough to swallow them whole, and yet she, so gentle with them.

Max just seemed confused. He had tussled with Angel to be "top dog" in the house, when he was a teen, and had been forced to yield the challenge. She was not giving up her alpha spot, ad he was more of a lover than a fighter. Now that she's gone, he's just "not sure" what comes next.

Princess, our Miss Boo and Boofalicious, had such a sad, pinched look on her face when we came home. She had lain close to Angel earlier that day, and I guess knew more than we did about what was really going on, as when Dr Keller examined her, she couldn't hear Angel's heartbeat due to her loud breathing, and said she thought there was a mass growing in her stomach too.

My real worry had been Mystery, our little wild one, who (for many years) seemed autistic. Angel had been the one she had cleaved to, in her fear, when she first came to us. The one who, if Angel had already been outside (and refused to come back in), would immediately look for her when she ran out the next time, and would bark and give her a stiff talking to, when she found her in her favourite spot.

She was very morose that first day. She ran out and looked, sniffed where Angel usually lay, and lay with such a pained pose, not relaxed at all, very dejected.

I wanted to mop floors, but didn't. That way, she, and the others, could still smell Angel where she had lain. I didn't want to just wash her scent away, I thought it might help them come to terms with her no longer being here.

Yesterday, I did mop the kitchen floor. Later today, I will do the hallways. They are coming to terms with her being gone.

This morning Mystery told me to hurry up, as I was letting them out at 5.30am, with an insistent barking as I tottered down the hallway. She had been silent much of Thursday and yesterday.

Boo's face is not as pinched, although her eyes are still sad. I think she feels that she will be next (she and Angel were the same age, 14 and a half, so over 100 in doggie years).

And Max, he has the sad eyes too. And still the confused look some of the time, he isn't bothered in being the alpha dog now, he's 12 and just wants a peaceful life.

They are making it through.

Last night, as I sat in the living room, I sensed Angel standing in the doorway peering in, how she used to (it's our only human-only space).

Life goes on. We are all the better for having had her in our lives, but we miss her. And that's ok. We're getting through it. She was our "old lady" and we loved her.